liars

Recurring effect of what you had said.

Can't believe what you said anymore.

I see no light in my room.

I'm scared.. I'm really..

I have just pulled my hamstring while sprinting for softball. Maybe I was being too competitive, and eager to train myself. I want to get back to NTU track team fast enough, and lead the Hall track team. However, overly eager to perform kills me now!!

When I heard a pop sound from my hamstring, my heart sank. I had torn my hamstring before, and I never stop upon hearing and feeling the sound. I was really too eager to train and perform!! DAMN IT !! FML!!!

I'm really scared! I had that feeling before and I almost cannot compete again. And I rested for 6 months, and that was the minimum, and with consistent physiotherapy weekly!! I am so screwed now. I am feeling damn down.

I don't wish to be like Para, miss last year IHG and have to squat. I want to have my own room, able to represent for IHG!! and I want to win!! with this fucking injury, cannot join NTU track, don't even need to think to get into sports hall!!! FML!!!

I'm farking no mood now.. fark off!!

I'm tired..

I'm mentally tired. Trying hard to make myself a mugger, which I'm not born to be one. But I am really super busy this week. Gosh! This is so sianz!!

Sun - Preparing my presentation slides for Monday, an informal training for softball with fun peeps.

Mon - Project presentation (wearing formal), all hall contract bridge meeting, hockey training

Tue - school end late due last lab for the semester, decided to go for this softball training instead, contract bridge training

Wed - only free day for skipping softball training, but got meeting, and got to study for 2 test!!

Thu - Data structure 2nd CA that cost 10%, FOC meeting, Darts training, and no time to study for physics CA on friday

Fri - Physics CA again!!

I remember I forget something for this week. Not sure is what.

A day wasted just like that...

Today, I literally wasted my entire day. Totally not fruitful at all!! Life is so.... MEANINGFUL...

I have so much to blog. But yet I'm trying to save more time to do more things. A short one then.

Went for photoshoot for whole family with my sis's graduation robe. Well, when is my turn? And will it be of different robe and hat? because I heard First class is different. I guess I'm aiming for it!

Well, I miss her again. Gosh. Alright. I got projects to rush, presentation slides to rush, 2 CAs this week again!! I have to be smart in order for my first class to happen. Don't study is okay. As long as I'm smart. So God, grant me a smart brain, a super smart one!!

feeling down... yet my councilling never stop !!

I apologise for not blogging yesterday. I had school, softball friendly, subcomm meeting, birthday celebration. I have no time to even drop by my house. HOW SAD!! I am really too busy, perhaps it's another excuse or weakness of mine. You are right. I'm lazy and I'm not good at all. :(

I will keep to my promise, like I have told you. Though things have turned out to be in this way, which I do not know what way you are referring to. But to me, I'm feeling normal. I thought just a bit more awkward and sian(without z) for you. I will only want you to feel the best, be happy!

But I really wish to know, what is the reason that you will say "you wish that it's one of those times you wish you didn't even try". I just want to know what is it all about? because of infactuation or? At least let me know what did I do wrong.

Well, I'm feeling down not solely because of this. I have more troubles to think of. I really thought depression is good for me for now. Okay, that was a joke! Rayduin is never that weak. Rayduin never say die! It's not ego, but just some self mind control I'm practising. Well, too many problems and troubles to think of. I just want to break free!!!

XXX (to be fair to the person who HTHT with me) talked to me just now, about how sad she was. She is really quite unfortunate to meet her ex. She deserved someone better. I can't help much other than giving my advices and sharing my experiences and my thoughts. I hope the best for you.

I have tried to cut down my haiz and sianz alot in university life. It's something quite remarkable, as I have promised you earlier as well. It's good for me also in a certain way. I guess the power of love is really strong. I always believed it!

Well, lastly, examinations are coming. I have yet to really accomplish any tutorials at all. Not even that, my attitude towards lectures and tutorials have not improved yet too. I guess it's really time to buck up. My personal goal will still stays. BEAT THE AH TIONGS !!!

I really regret though, I admit I was too emo in the past weeks. I never manage to do my project for one core module which purely depends on project only. I have been seriously heavily penalised. I am sorry to the teacher and myself. I AM REALLY SORRY TO MYSELF. I know I can do well this semester, yet I have been overruled!! And I never control myself. This semester I quite certain if I worked hard, GPA of 4.0 is not a problem, getting 4.5 or 5.0 is possible too. However, with the current situation of failing my project, I just hope my GPA is above 3.5. I promised I will pull it up real hard!!

Last of all, for those who knows me real well, I won't give up in anything I do. I will definitely be there for everyone, especially you.

And for those who read my blog, please do leave some comments. I'm too lazy to have a tagboard. I'm not as delicate as a girl, nor more attentive to this blog. :p

- A man full of troubles!!

Tiredness

I am so tired today. Had a very late night yesterday, slept quite late. Couldn't really get to rest. I don't really know what to do, or even have the mood to do anything. Told someone I accompany her through the night. Perhaps, that was the truth. I mean it's very automatic.

Yesterday had my IPPT, never train for it, with the facts of not running for 2years, failing the first try 6months ago, NOW, I pass! Not sure if I had silver. But at least I know it's good enough. Perhaps I will take again to improve everything. I want to be back to who I am. A Competitive, energetic and passionate Rayduin. A lot of things and surroundings changed me, to who I am now. I am so tired, in terms of emotionally, physically, psychologically. I guess I can't take it for long.

My muscles are very sore, I am so tired. There will be softball training later, I not sure if I should go. I doubt I will be in the first team, so what's the point of me going? I'm a competitive person! That is why I questioning myself now. No matter what I do now, I will remind myself to reflect more and go back to the OLD me.

I will lead with pride, excel in all I do, and overcome all obstacles!!

Reminiscing the past...

It has been a very long time since I really blog anymore. Let's forget about how I have started with this blog, but on how am I going to maintain this blog. Probably I will try to blog as often as possible. Blogging about how I feel here, a place for me to run away from everything and yet able to voice out, ultimately to myself. I don't expect anybody to be reading my blog, even though, sometimes I wish you can see how I feel and reasons of why I did it in a certain way.

This is for you:

I can still remember how you said those words to me. It has been recurring in my mind, everything that you have ever said. I have never regret saying anything to you, because I believe in myself. I am serious with what I said and I meant. I'm responsible for everything.

Someone told me, wooing a girl need to be tactical. I agree and I have no doubts. BUT this will never ever happen to me anymore!! Especially after watching 'Ugly Truth', and for those who have not watch it, it's highly recommended to watch it. In this show, they displayed how the actress use tactics on the guy she loves. In the end, she really got it. But is there real happiness in this?? There is no happiness. Never ever will there be, BECAUSE you are not being yourself, instead, acting like you are someone or trying to be nice and tactful only. I believe love is something that does not purely depend on the feelings, like you have said, brain plays a part too. But brain should not allows you to resort to tactics.

I have never ignored your sms or call before, because I really want to be there for you. I don't like what tactics of not replying your sms or call, just to make you think of me more; or missing me more! In fact, what I want to convey is how much I really care for you. And how much I really can do for you. I was really ecstatic when you tell me you miss me. I felt more than any other things. What I want to tell you is, I'm willing to go extra mile just for you, ASY.

Things definitely have changed more than what I have expected. I remember you telling me you won't want to ignore my sms, or you will reply because you feel bad. I can feel the difference now, I know you are trying to avoid or ignore me. I shall not make myself more irritating just to chat with you again.

I'm sorry to land you into this situation. I apologise for all, it's all my fault!! No matter what, I will always be supporting you, just like I have did for your friendly. and I will always be there for you, and waiting for the chance.

I miss you!

I miss u...

I just miss u...

I shall blog more again later in the day...
perhaps this is the only place i can share to myself..
telling a person, who is myself..
and not to others..