Countdown to Results!!

on 30th, the verdict will be out.
It will only shows that I'm a lousy person who can't study.
I'm too noob. Afterall, I don't really care.

Let me be emo.
I only care about you.
Hope you are fine. :)

Emo..

This is the first weekend I stayed over in hall, not because of anything, but trying to force myself to study.

I guess I'm just too emo to stay over the weekend. And hall is definitely a good place to emo. I love emo to the maximum!

-emo rayduin-

last week..

This is officially the last week of school term, and that means my exam is next week.

I haven start to study any subject.. and I have just played bridge for 2hrs..

I guess I know my destiny already...

God Bless Me..

I'm sad.. I didn't get A for my tech comm..

depression

I'm so sianz. I'm a perfectionist, yet I know I'm not doing it.

I just want my GPA to be 5.0 !!

But memories just recurred more than you can expected it.

I'm not staying hall, because I can't forget you.

Lonely night...

It's such a lonely night..

a night without warmth..
without any care and concern..

disappointment..

I'm getting to hate myself..

liars

Recurring effect of what you had said.

Can't believe what you said anymore.

I see no light in my room.

I'm scared.. I'm really..

I have just pulled my hamstring while sprinting for softball. Maybe I was being too competitive, and eager to train myself. I want to get back to NTU track team fast enough, and lead the Hall track team. However, overly eager to perform kills me now!!

When I heard a pop sound from my hamstring, my heart sank. I had torn my hamstring before, and I never stop upon hearing and feeling the sound. I was really too eager to train and perform!! DAMN IT !! FML!!!

I'm really scared! I had that feeling before and I almost cannot compete again. And I rested for 6 months, and that was the minimum, and with consistent physiotherapy weekly!! I am so screwed now. I am feeling damn down.

I don't wish to be like Para, miss last year IHG and have to squat. I want to have my own room, able to represent for IHG!! and I want to win!! with this fucking injury, cannot join NTU track, don't even need to think to get into sports hall!!! FML!!!

I'm farking no mood now.. fark off!!

I'm tired..

I'm mentally tired. Trying hard to make myself a mugger, which I'm not born to be one. But I am really super busy this week. Gosh! This is so sianz!!

Sun - Preparing my presentation slides for Monday, an informal training for softball with fun peeps.

Mon - Project presentation (wearing formal), all hall contract bridge meeting, hockey training

Tue - school end late due last lab for the semester, decided to go for this softball training instead, contract bridge training

Wed - only free day for skipping softball training, but got meeting, and got to study for 2 test!!

Thu - Data structure 2nd CA that cost 10%, FOC meeting, Darts training, and no time to study for physics CA on friday

Fri - Physics CA again!!

I remember I forget something for this week. Not sure is what.

A day wasted just like that...

Today, I literally wasted my entire day. Totally not fruitful at all!! Life is so.... MEANINGFUL...

I have so much to blog. But yet I'm trying to save more time to do more things. A short one then.

Went for photoshoot for whole family with my sis's graduation robe. Well, when is my turn? And will it be of different robe and hat? because I heard First class is different. I guess I'm aiming for it!

Well, I miss her again. Gosh. Alright. I got projects to rush, presentation slides to rush, 2 CAs this week again!! I have to be smart in order for my first class to happen. Don't study is okay. As long as I'm smart. So God, grant me a smart brain, a super smart one!!

feeling down... yet my councilling never stop !!

I apologise for not blogging yesterday. I had school, softball friendly, subcomm meeting, birthday celebration. I have no time to even drop by my house. HOW SAD!! I am really too busy, perhaps it's another excuse or weakness of mine. You are right. I'm lazy and I'm not good at all. :(

I will keep to my promise, like I have told you. Though things have turned out to be in this way, which I do not know what way you are referring to. But to me, I'm feeling normal. I thought just a bit more awkward and sian(without z) for you. I will only want you to feel the best, be happy!

But I really wish to know, what is the reason that you will say "you wish that it's one of those times you wish you didn't even try". I just want to know what is it all about? because of infactuation or? At least let me know what did I do wrong.

Well, I'm feeling down not solely because of this. I have more troubles to think of. I really thought depression is good for me for now. Okay, that was a joke! Rayduin is never that weak. Rayduin never say die! It's not ego, but just some self mind control I'm practising. Well, too many problems and troubles to think of. I just want to break free!!!

XXX (to be fair to the person who HTHT with me) talked to me just now, about how sad she was. She is really quite unfortunate to meet her ex. She deserved someone better. I can't help much other than giving my advices and sharing my experiences and my thoughts. I hope the best for you.

I have tried to cut down my haiz and sianz alot in university life. It's something quite remarkable, as I have promised you earlier as well. It's good for me also in a certain way. I guess the power of love is really strong. I always believed it!

Well, lastly, examinations are coming. I have yet to really accomplish any tutorials at all. Not even that, my attitude towards lectures and tutorials have not improved yet too. I guess it's really time to buck up. My personal goal will still stays. BEAT THE AH TIONGS !!!

I really regret though, I admit I was too emo in the past weeks. I never manage to do my project for one core module which purely depends on project only. I have been seriously heavily penalised. I am sorry to the teacher and myself. I AM REALLY SORRY TO MYSELF. I know I can do well this semester, yet I have been overruled!! And I never control myself. This semester I quite certain if I worked hard, GPA of 4.0 is not a problem, getting 4.5 or 5.0 is possible too. However, with the current situation of failing my project, I just hope my GPA is above 3.5. I promised I will pull it up real hard!!

Last of all, for those who knows me real well, I won't give up in anything I do. I will definitely be there for everyone, especially you.

And for those who read my blog, please do leave some comments. I'm too lazy to have a tagboard. I'm not as delicate as a girl, nor more attentive to this blog. :p

- A man full of troubles!!

Tiredness

I am so tired today. Had a very late night yesterday, slept quite late. Couldn't really get to rest. I don't really know what to do, or even have the mood to do anything. Told someone I accompany her through the night. Perhaps, that was the truth. I mean it's very automatic.

Yesterday had my IPPT, never train for it, with the facts of not running for 2years, failing the first try 6months ago, NOW, I pass! Not sure if I had silver. But at least I know it's good enough. Perhaps I will take again to improve everything. I want to be back to who I am. A Competitive, energetic and passionate Rayduin. A lot of things and surroundings changed me, to who I am now. I am so tired, in terms of emotionally, physically, psychologically. I guess I can't take it for long.

My muscles are very sore, I am so tired. There will be softball training later, I not sure if I should go. I doubt I will be in the first team, so what's the point of me going? I'm a competitive person! That is why I questioning myself now. No matter what I do now, I will remind myself to reflect more and go back to the OLD me.

I will lead with pride, excel in all I do, and overcome all obstacles!!

Reminiscing the past...

It has been a very long time since I really blog anymore. Let's forget about how I have started with this blog, but on how am I going to maintain this blog. Probably I will try to blog as often as possible. Blogging about how I feel here, a place for me to run away from everything and yet able to voice out, ultimately to myself. I don't expect anybody to be reading my blog, even though, sometimes I wish you can see how I feel and reasons of why I did it in a certain way.

This is for you:

I can still remember how you said those words to me. It has been recurring in my mind, everything that you have ever said. I have never regret saying anything to you, because I believe in myself. I am serious with what I said and I meant. I'm responsible for everything.

Someone told me, wooing a girl need to be tactical. I agree and I have no doubts. BUT this will never ever happen to me anymore!! Especially after watching 'Ugly Truth', and for those who have not watch it, it's highly recommended to watch it. In this show, they displayed how the actress use tactics on the guy she loves. In the end, she really got it. But is there real happiness in this?? There is no happiness. Never ever will there be, BECAUSE you are not being yourself, instead, acting like you are someone or trying to be nice and tactful only. I believe love is something that does not purely depend on the feelings, like you have said, brain plays a part too. But brain should not allows you to resort to tactics.

I have never ignored your sms or call before, because I really want to be there for you. I don't like what tactics of not replying your sms or call, just to make you think of me more; or missing me more! In fact, what I want to convey is how much I really care for you. And how much I really can do for you. I was really ecstatic when you tell me you miss me. I felt more than any other things. What I want to tell you is, I'm willing to go extra mile just for you, ASY.

Things definitely have changed more than what I have expected. I remember you telling me you won't want to ignore my sms, or you will reply because you feel bad. I can feel the difference now, I know you are trying to avoid or ignore me. I shall not make myself more irritating just to chat with you again.

I'm sorry to land you into this situation. I apologise for all, it's all my fault!! No matter what, I will always be supporting you, just like I have did for your friendly. and I will always be there for you, and waiting for the chance.

I miss you!

I miss u...

I just miss u...

I shall blog more again later in the day...
perhaps this is the only place i can share to myself..
telling a person, who is myself..
and not to others..

Wisdom Tooth Extraction

OH MY GOD!

Those are the three words that are able to describe my feelings now. My face is so swollen and fat for now. And yesterday my blood overflow from my mouth. HOW CAN THAT BE? -not indicating I have a big mouth but when was the last time you have that happen.

Sigh. Hurts quite a lot, and not really recovering fast enough. I don't want that piggy face. I cant go out. I rather don't have mc, at least I can leave house to work or at least out of the house. It SUCKS.
HAHAHA.

Work-out

I have been trying very hard to do a lot of work-out and exercise. It's all because of my fats. Till now, I still cannot believe that I actually gain 11kg in 4months time. How can that be possible? I am well known for being very skinny in the past. Sigh, life changes too much.

I just ran on Thurs, being compelled to; definitely. But without that, the previous run would be like more than 10months ago. Rayduin is so getting fat, and lazier.

I do not know what to blog recently, maybe I have no life. Maybe.

CNY Resolutions

CNY is just two days away. Yet I have not been able to convince myself with my resolutions.

Something fantasy first:
1)Win a jackpot in the Casino on my holiday cruise trip
2)Win the ANGBAO draw for TOTO
3)Trouble-free

Something more realistic:
1)Continue to have fighting spirit in my life
2)Always be energised, ready to strike
3)Perfectionist always
4)Excel in my work and studies
5)GPA of 4 and above during my first year of NTU
6)Full pledge OHC cleared, not only for manning
7)IDO catted within Feb for March DOC duties
8)Never ever suffer a pay cut for lowly LTA1
9)Able to move on from previous loved ones
10)A wife that complement my life :p

Contentment

I wonder where humans are so superficial and hypocrite.
I seldom see people having a character that really has values well imbued in them.
Moral and ethics do not seems to stand in this present world.
Maybe it is right to have all kinds of natural disaster, ultimately turning the world into a dead earth, maybe having the God to re-create nature, allows them to learn all their values and morals once again.
God, allows them to atone their own sins.

I always believe that one control their own fate. Fate brings opportunity upon you, and you grabbing that opportunity to control them, with righteous mind, for sure.
Path is just a way or a route that does not brings along feelings. It is your own feelings that decide which path for you to take, rather than, you are being forced to walk on them.
However, some says they wanted this and that, or sometimes they do not mind those.
In the end, they have to betray each other to get what they really want.
Is there anymore values left behind?
I believe if you really do want to control your streaming results, then do voice out. Do not keep saying you are anything and do not mind this and that. Utimately, you are lying to others and yourself, for not having any values.
Saying "anything" right at the start means you do not have any rights to fight after the results are out. Blame it on yourself. You brought this upon yourself.

Just to divert back to my topic. Contentment.
I have always been a perfectionist. I do not allow any mistake in certain things.
Maybe the word 'certain' should not categorise me as perfectionist anymore.
However, in certain things, I am definitely one.
I believe you cannot be contented, because once you are. You will never improve!
Well, this is just my share.