An eagle without a pair of wings

A new plan for school..

2010-09-30T14:43:00.001-07:00

After complaining for so many days, and grumbling over what had happened. And the real, actual Rayduin appear. My mind hasn't been stopping since I last realised it like probably 10years ago. I have a new plan already.

I'm taking like 6 modules over here. And 5 of them are year 4 modules, and only 1 is year 3 module. So my new plan is clear these, WITHOUT any choice. Then I'm not going to do any more attachment for 2nd semester. I'm going to clear another normal semester in NTU. So I will take all year 3 modules which everyone is taking now, while they are on attachment on 2nd semester. Then my year 4 will have 5 modules lesser, and this gives me more time to work on FYP. I'm determined to graduate with no regrets. I have regretted way too far on many occasions. I will still aim for my gpa 5.0 and dean's list and write model answers again!

I must really ENJOY MY LIFE! Study is not about mugging and memorising, LOSERS! It's about how well you know and how you can apply it!

-zai kia again!

school days..

2010-09-29T04:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my first day of school. My first lesson started at 9am, not that early though. The people here are slackers, but not the same kind of slacker as me. Anyway the first lesson was a 2hrs lecture, nothing special except the scottish accent of my lecturer. I just have to pay more attention and listen harder. But I couldn't do it, and I went online instead. This is my way of a slacker. Get job done fast, but slack when it's not important, and studying is not as important as getting a task done. I don't see A+ ahead but many F floating around waiting to be printed on transcript. LOL. I'm too noob for it.

After a boring day of school, went to Topman to buy a shoe. Normal and simple shoe. Didn't really like it a lot but bought because it's cheap. Is that impulsive buying?

2nd day of school is another boring day. The pace is way too slow. Only an hour lecture, and the lecturer used 30mins for introduction and settling rules issue in class. Totally unproductive, I'm there to listen and learn and not being there to listen to nonsense. And it's a raining day, a heavy one. Wore my new topman shoes, got a little wet, but who cares. Lazy to go gym because raining, haven't really eaten, and waiting to skype with family. Probably going to do a more intensive circuit by myself. I got to burn my fats. Even if I am lighter by 2kg, my fats still exist!

I so need to go bank. Settle my bank problems again and hoping I can get my debit card soon. Cash is running low. I'm a poor ass.

-pauper

edinburgh visit..

2010-09-26T15:18:00.000-07:00

Well, went to Edinburgh yesterday. It was a long journey of 1hr30mins single ride there. We went Edinburgh Castle, Labyrinth at Mary King's close, Ghost tour. Not that bad for a experience over there, and more importantly, one of the coldest day I experienced in Scotland. The morning was about 2 Degree Celsius. And I haven gear up my suit yet. I'm still in my normal jacket, hoping I can get used to the weather soon before gearing up.

After a long day, we took the long bus ride back, and reached Glasgow at 12am. It was Alan's birthday and we cab down to find him, as he recce the place before we arrive back. We went to a club named " sub-club". As usual, the music in the club is always house music and trance, nothing fantastic or special. Then we went back to our school drinking lounge and continue our drinking spree.

Today, was a rather slack day. I skype with my friend, probably gone through everything under the sun, literally. I believe it's true. :D Do you agree if you are seeing this? Then I went on to supermarket for grocery shopping and prepare for the dinner we going to cook for Alan. I cooked oriental dishes; a plate of vegetables in oyster sauce, hot dogs in baked beans, portebello mushrooms. And my friends' pork chop, and we bought chicken thigh and drumstick, and my friend's cheesecakes. And I kinda learn the cheesecake already, but yet to try it out only. Hopefully it will be a success!

Good things come to an end, hopefully, a good cooking session. The day ended with shagginess and a early sleep to rejuvenate the day.

-chef ray

faraway land...

2010-09-23T13:25:00.000-07:00

I have just realized how inconsistent am I by updating my blog. The last post is awaiting for my results back in first semester. That brings back a lot of memories and how bad my gpa was, and even worse in 2nd semester.

And nearing to a year, I am updating here again randomly. This feels a little different compared to the past. I'm feeling slightly heavier than normal as I'm situated now in Glasgow, Scotland. It has been almost a week since I last entered University of Strathclyde. Perhaps the expectation was a little too high, that's why I'm feeling disappointed by the school, environment and people.

My heart felt heavier especially when my core modules are not settled yet. I feel unsecured because I'm not having control over the things I'm doing. The people and the culture here are way too slack compared to Singapore. And of course, NTU is very much a spoon fed environment for students compared to UoS here. A lot of things are meant to be explored and discovered by students, not forgetting more time needed for self-studying too. The thought of it makes me ponder if I'm really here for studies or leisure/pleasure. The professor was telling me about grades. That actually ignite the spark within my inner self, the usual challenge-lover that hoping to fight against the UK, China and other elite international students! I wish to get all A+ and own their asses. A perfectionist and a high ego snobbish idiot! I have always aim for perfect gpa since poly, but I have failed to do so, the most is almost perfecting the gpa. ALWAYS LEFT THAT LITTLE!!!!

I have just skyped with my APUS freshies, not all of them but most of them. I felt good as I can chat with them once again after FOC. Spent the previous few days skyping with family, APUS and other friends. They make my day even though how bad it was. They are always that caring and nice, just that it's a waste that they are not here to be on exchange with me! I MISS EVERYONE! I MISS U!

Flashbacks running through my mind now, and I couldn't use any words to express my thoughts. I can only say, I'm feeling a lot now, more than usual. Maybe I'm better off as a loner, keeping everything to myself again. This is probably the true rayduin.

Countdown to Results!!

2009-12-27T20:51:00.000-08:00

on 30th, the verdict will be out.
It will only shows that I'm a lousy person who can't study.
I'm too noob. Afterall, I don't really care.

Let me be emo.
I only care about you.
Hope you are fine. :)

Emo..

2009-11-21T08:49:00.001-08:00

This is the first weekend I stayed over in hall, not because of anything, but trying to force myself to study.

I guess I'm just too emo to stay over the weekend. And hall is definitely a good place to emo. I love emo to the maximum!

-emo rayduin-

last week..

2009-11-09T05:55:00.000-08:00

This is officially the last week of school term, and that means my exam is next week.

I haven start to study any subject.. and I have just played bridge for 2hrs..

I guess I know my destiny already...

God Bless Me..

I'm sad.. I didn't get A for my tech comm..

depression

2009-11-03T01:51:00.000-08:00

I'm so sianz. I'm a perfectionist, yet I know I'm not doing it.

I just want my GPA to be 5.0 !!

But memories just recurred more than you can expected it.

I'm not staying hall, because I can't forget you.

Lonely night...

2009-11-01T05:27:00.000-08:00

It's such a lonely night..

a night without warmth..
without any care and concern..

disappointment..

I'm getting to hate myself..

liars

2009-10-29T02:45:00.000-07:00

Recurring effect of what you had said.

Can't believe what you said anymore.

I see no light in my room.

I'm scared.. I'm really..

2009-10-27T09:56:00.000-07:00

I have just pulled my hamstring while sprinting for softball. Maybe I was being too competitive, and eager to train myself. I want to get back to NTU track team fast enough, and lead the Hall track team. However, overly eager to perform kills me now!!

When I heard a pop sound from my hamstring, my heart sank. I had torn my hamstring before, and I never stop upon hearing and feeling the sound. I was really too eager to train and perform!! DAMN IT !! FML!!!

I'm really scared! I had that feeling before and I almost cannot compete again. And I rested for 6 months, and that was the minimum, and with consistent physiotherapy weekly!! I am so screwed now. I am feeling damn down.

I don't wish to be like Para, miss last year IHG and have to squat. I want to have my own room, able to represent for IHG!! and I want to win!! with this fucking injury, cannot join NTU track, don't even need to think to get into sports hall!!! FML!!!

I'm farking no mood now.. fark off!!

I'm tired..

2009-10-25T08:15:00.000-07:00

I'm mentally tired. Trying hard to make myself a mugger, which I'm not born to be one. But I am really super busy this week. Gosh! This is so sianz!!

Sun - Preparing my presentation slides for Monday, an informal training for softball with fun peeps.

Mon - Project presentation (wearing formal), all hall contract bridge meeting, hockey training

Tue - school end late due last lab for the semester, decided to go for this softball training instead, contract bridge training

Wed - only free day for skipping softball training, but got meeting, and got to study for 2 test!!

Thu - Data structure 2nd CA that cost 10%, FOC meeting, Darts training, and no time to study for physics CA on friday

Fri - Physics CA again!!

I remember I forget something for this week. Not sure is what.

A day wasted just like that...

2009-10-24T08:55:00.002-07:00

Today, I literally wasted my entire day. Totally not fruitful at all!! Life is so.... MEANINGFUL...

I have so much to blog. But yet I'm trying to save more time to do more things. A short one then.

Went for photoshoot for whole family with my sis's graduation robe. Well, when is my turn? And will it be of different robe and hat? because I heard First class is different. I guess I'm aiming for it!

Well, I miss her again. Gosh. Alright. I got projects to rush, presentation slides to rush, 2 CAs this week again!! I have to be smart in order for my first class to happen. Don't study is okay. As long as I'm smart. So God, grant me a smart brain, a super smart one!!

feeling down... yet my councilling never stop !!

2009-10-23T03:29:00.000-07:00

I apologise for not blogging yesterday. I had school, softball friendly, subcomm meeting, birthday celebration. I have no time to even drop by my house. HOW SAD!! I am really too busy, perhaps it's another excuse or weakness of mine. You are right. I'm lazy and I'm not good at all. :(

I will keep to my promise, like I have told you. Though things have turned out to be in this way, which I do not know what way you are referring to. But to me, I'm feeling normal. I thought just a bit more awkward and sian(without z) for you. I will only want you to feel the best, be happy!

But I really wish to know, what is the reason that you will say "you wish that it's one of those times you wish you didn't even try". I just want to know what is it all about? because of infactuation or? At least let me know what did I do wrong.

Well, I'm feeling down not solely because of this. I have more troubles to think of. I really thought depression is good for me for now. Okay, that was a joke! Rayduin is never that weak. Rayduin never say die! It's not ego, but just some self mind control I'm practising. Well, too many problems and troubles to think of. I just want to break free!!!

XXX (to be fair to the person who HTHT with me) talked to me just now, about how sad she was. She is really quite unfortunate to meet her ex. She deserved someone better. I can't help much other than giving my advices and sharing my experiences and my thoughts. I hope the best for you.

I have tried to cut down my haiz and sianz alot in university life. It's something quite remarkable, as I have promised you earlier as well. It's good for me also in a certain way. I guess the power of love is really strong. I always believed it!

Well, lastly, examinations are coming. I have yet to really accomplish any tutorials at all. Not even that, my attitude towards lectures and tutorials have not improved yet too. I guess it's really time to buck up. My personal goal will still stays. BEAT THE AH TIONGS !!!

I really regret though, I admit I was too emo in the past weeks. I never manage to do my project for one core module which purely depends on project only. I have been seriously heavily penalised. I am sorry to the teacher and myself. I AM REALLY SORRY TO MYSELF. I know I can do well this semester, yet I have been overruled!! And I never control myself. This semester I quite certain if I worked hard, GPA of 4.0 is not a problem, getting 4.5 or 5.0 is possible too. However, with the current situation of failing my project, I just hope my GPA is above 3.5. I promised I will pull it up real hard!!

Last of all, for those who knows me real well, I won't give up in anything I do. I will definitely be there for everyone, especially you.

And for those who read my blog, please do leave some comments. I'm too lazy to have a tagboard. I'm not as delicate as a girl, nor more attentive to this blog. :p

- A man full of troubles!!

Tiredness

2009-10-21T23:37:00.000-07:00

I am so tired today. Had a very late night yesterday, slept quite late. Couldn't really get to rest. I don't really know what to do, or even have the mood to do anything. Told someone I accompany her through the night. Perhaps, that was the truth. I mean it's very automatic.

Yesterday had my IPPT, never train for it, with the facts of not running for 2years, failing the first try 6months ago, NOW, I pass! Not sure if I had silver. But at least I know it's good enough. Perhaps I will take again to improve everything. I want to be back to who I am. A Competitive, energetic and passionate Rayduin. A lot of things and surroundings changed me, to who I am now. I am so tired, in terms of emotionally, physically, psychologically. I guess I can't take it for long.

My muscles are very sore, I am so tired. There will be softball training later, I not sure if I should go. I doubt I will be in the first team, so what's the point of me going? I'm a competitive person! That is why I questioning myself now. No matter what I do now, I will remind myself to reflect more and go back to the OLD me.

I will lead with pride, excel in all I do, and overcome all obstacles!!

Reminiscing the past...

2009-10-20T21:51:00.000-07:00

It has been a very long time since I really blog anymore. Let's forget about how I have started with this blog, but on how am I going to maintain this blog. Probably I will try to blog as often as possible. Blogging about how I feel here, a place for me to run away from everything and yet able to voice out, ultimately to myself. I don't expect anybody to be reading my blog, even though, sometimes I wish you can see how I feel and reasons of why I did it in a certain way.

This is for you:

I can still remember how you said those words to me. It has been recurring in my mind, everything that you have ever said. I have never regret saying anything to you, because I believe in myself. I am serious with what I said and I meant. I'm responsible for everything.

Someone told me, wooing a girl need to be tactical. I agree and I have no doubts. BUT this will never ever happen to me anymore!! Especially after watching 'Ugly Truth', and for those who have not watch it, it's highly recommended to watch it. In this show, they displayed how the actress use tactics on the guy she loves. In the end, she really got it. But is there real happiness in this?? There is no happiness. Never ever will there be, BECAUSE you are not being yourself, instead, acting like you are someone or trying to be nice and tactful only. I believe love is something that does not purely depend on the feelings, like you have said, brain plays a part too. But brain should not allows you to resort to tactics.

I have never ignored your sms or call before, because I really want to be there for you. I don't like what tactics of not replying your sms or call, just to make you think of me more; or missing me more! In fact, what I want to convey is how much I really care for you. And how much I really can do for you. I was really ecstatic when you tell me you miss me. I felt more than any other things. What I want to tell you is, I'm willing to go extra mile just for you, ASY.

Things definitely have changed more than what I have expected. I remember you telling me you won't want to ignore my sms, or you will reply because you feel bad. I can feel the difference now, I know you are trying to avoid or ignore me. I shall not make myself more irritating just to chat with you again.

I'm sorry to land you into this situation. I apologise for all, it's all my fault!! No matter what, I will always be supporting you, just like I have did for your friendly. and I will always be there for you, and waiting for the chance.

I miss you!

I miss u...

2009-10-20T10:25:00.000-07:00

I just miss u...

I shall blog more again later in the day...
perhaps this is the only place i can share to myself..
telling a person, who is myself..
and not to others..

Wisdom Tooth Extraction

2009-02-10T01:02:00.000-08:00

OH MY GOD!

Those are the three words that are able to describe my feelings now. My face is so swollen and fat for now. And yesterday my blood overflow from my mouth. HOW CAN THAT BE? -not indicating I have a big mouth but when was the last time you have that happen.

Sigh. Hurts quite a lot, and not really recovering fast enough. I don't want that piggy face. I cant go out. I rather don't have mc, at least I can leave house to work or at least out of the house. It SUCKS.
HAHAHA.

Work-out

2009-02-06T21:36:00.000-08:00

I have been trying very hard to do a lot of work-out and exercise. It's all because of my fats. Till now, I still cannot believe that I actually gain 11kg in 4months time. How can that be possible? I am well known for being very skinny in the past. Sigh, life changes too much.

I just ran on Thurs, being compelled to; definitely. But without that, the previous run would be like more than 10months ago. Rayduin is so getting fat, and lazier.

I do not know what to blog recently, maybe I have no life. Maybe.

CNY Resolutions

2009-01-23T19:21:00.000-08:00

CNY is just two days away. Yet I have not been able to convince myself with my resolutions.

Something fantasy first:
1)Win a jackpot in the Casino on my holiday cruise trip
2)Win the ANGBAO draw for TOTO
3)Trouble-free

Something more realistic:
1)Continue to have fighting spirit in my life
2)Always be energised, ready to strike
3)Perfectionist always
4)Excel in my work and studies
5)GPA of 4 and above during my first year of NTU
6)Full pledge OHC cleared, not only for manning
7)IDO catted within Feb for March DOC duties
8)Never ever suffer a pay cut for lowly LTA1
9)Able to move on from previous loved ones
10)A wife that complement my life :p

Contentment

2009-01-07T03:59:00.000-08:00

I wonder where humans are so superficial and hypocrite.
I seldom see people having a character that really has values well imbued in them.
Moral and ethics do not seems to stand in this present world.
Maybe it is right to have all kinds of natural disaster, ultimately turning the world into a dead earth, maybe having the God to re-create nature, allows them to learn all their values and morals once again.
God, allows them to atone their own sins.

I always believe that one control their own fate. Fate brings opportunity upon you, and you grabbing that opportunity to control them, with righteous mind, for sure.
Path is just a way or a route that does not brings along feelings. It is your own feelings that decide which path for you to take, rather than, you are being forced to walk on them.
However, some says they wanted this and that, or sometimes they do not mind those.
In the end, they have to betray each other to get what they really want.
Is there anymore values left behind?
I believe if you really do want to control your streaming results, then do voice out. Do not keep saying you are anything and do not mind this and that. Utimately, you are lying to others and yourself, for not having any values.
Saying "anything" right at the start means you do not have any rights to fight after the results are out. Blame it on yourself. You brought this upon yourself.

Just to divert back to my topic. Contentment.
I have always been a perfectionist. I do not allow any mistake in certain things.
Maybe the word 'certain' should not categorise me as perfectionist anymore.
However, in certain things, I am definitely one.
I believe you cannot be contented, because once you are. You will never improve!
Well, this is just my share.

The Reason

2008-12-21T02:45:00.001-08:00

Why don't I change the name of my blog?
A lot of people must be asking. The reason behind it is, I do not find a need.
I believe many things can be left behind. But, some thing is good if we just leave it as it is.

Many days, months, years have passed since I last blogged.
Today, I spoke to someone. She mention, "you only have one life, stay positive ok?"
I think this really strucks me a lot.

Stop slacking.
Halt being lazy.
Cease in my sluggish and lethargic mode.
Suspend my gaming and tv time.
Pull up my socks.

Christmas is coming. Season of giving.
And a Happy New Year too, I hope.

Time-table for rayduin needs to be out.
A routine lifestyle, stops a person being lazy.
A pact to myself. I have to do it.
No more reasons, or even better.
NO MORE EXCUSES!

I will hold u tight.. Just like the past.

2008-11-30T00:30:00.000-08:00

i miss you